**DISCLAIMER**
Okay first thing I am gonna do is warn you before you read this post! You are about to be subjected to a large rant and bitch session by moi. Where I will most definitely be swearing and exposing the dark secrets of being pregnant with twins, that I am sure most people don't know about or even want to hear or think about. But since I mostly won't speak this out loud but I say things over and over in my head every moment of every day and feel like I am going to explode if I don't get stuff out and sit an suffer in silence, I am using this blog to lay it ALL out on the table.
So that maybe, just maybe, when some people (not ALL PEOPLE) but some people are about to say something stupid or think that I am being rude or have any opinion at all to think they know what I am going through, maybe you might want to think again and cut me a friggen break!
Ahhh, so where to begin?! Well as you all know I am pregnant with two little ones, the cupcakes as I have been calling them. I am currently 29 weeks, which is over 7 months along. I currently am on countdown to my due date which is at 38 weeks and that puts us at around August 25th. I would settle to make it to 36 weeks as that would put me in William's Lake to deliver. Anything before that would put me in Kamloops, which is something that I personally don't want to do. Not because of being in that hospital but because I don't know any docs or nurses there, (well Matt does, but not me). And if we have to go to Kamloops it is going to be harder because the babies will be in the hospital for longer and that makes it difficult for Matt and I financially, emotionally and logistically, because of Emma, the dogs, Matt's work etc. So I am struggling to get through at least 7 more weeks, but hopefully 9 more weeks would be the best. I say that just for the health of the babes but that's about it! I would give up being pregnant right about now for anything!
For those of you who have been pregnant before, remember what is was like during the last few weeks?? You were probably extremely uncomfortable physically what with back pain, pelvic pain, lack of sleep, swollen feet, hands etc etc. Not to mention you were probably (if you weren't all along) very irritable, with huge mood swings that would either set you off screaming at the closest person or bawling your eyes out cause you can't put your underwear on with out a 5 minute huffing and puffing session. Well think about all that and remember that it was a short time, but for me....I have been full term size and like this since the middle of May when I got put on medical leave from work, and it's like being 9 MONTHS PREGNANT FOR 3 FUCKING MONTHS!!!! So do the math, middle of May, June, July and 25 or so days in August and that puts it around 96 days of feeling the worst you can feel, all the while trying to be excited for 2 new lives that will be coming into this world at the end of it, which also puts another whole spin on things once they get here.
But going back to what I am currently going through. If you see me out in public, waddling my slow painful walk know that I feel like I am currently running a marathon and that glow you see...yeah that's me flushed from sweating and my heart rate that is pounding in my ears! My back feels like someone has been stepping on it with stiletto's, my hips and pelvis feels like it is being ripped apart with every step. Breathing like I have running, hands, wrists and arms throbbing from being swollen and numb, with constant pins and needles in the tips of my fingers. Oh and lets not forget with a kid moves, and gets me in the kidney's or ribs or the best one of all the bladder! When you see me know that every single movement, cough, sneeze, hiccup, burp or fart for that matter makes me pee into my fucking adult diaper that was meant for old people, not a 33 year old Mom pregnant with twins.
And that is just the tip of the iceberg! Let's see there is the lack of sleep, because I have to get up to go to the bathroom, although I honestly can't tell if I need to go, I just assume that I do and I usually do. I have no feeling there right now and barely any control, hence my statement in the last paragraph. I can't lie on my side because the weight of the baby belly puts some sort of crazy pain in my pelvis that I can't stand, so I sleep sitting up which doesn't help the back, but there's nothing I can do right now. Oh and also my arms need to be propped up on pillows cause otherwise I will loose feeling in my whole hands and wake up again being in another kind of pain. Oh yes and I currently cannot totally hear out of my left ear due to my cold a few weeks ago. I have some fluid behind my ear drum but I cannot take anything that would help clear that up! So yes I am half deaf! lol
And because of all the freakin hormones in my system my body hair grows at alarming rates and in places where I didn't realize I could have hair grow! The other day I found this long black hair just on the side of my cheek...what the fuck?!!! When did that pop up!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and shaving the legs...yeah that's a treat...I can't do it myself...Matt needs to help...again something I can't do for myself anymore and I end up looking like a bloody mess...how the hell can men shave their face and not cut themselves, but shave anything else and it looks like a horror movie in the tub of our own bathroom! And because of all these hormones too, my skin is discoloring in many places which makes me super self conscious and last by not least stretch marks...nothing more need to be said!
Moving onto everyday things to do, showering, making dinner, taking Emma to school, going to my MANY appointments you can imagine how exhausting it is...well I hope you can, not only is it exhausting to not be able to walk 10 feet without at least stopping to adjust or stretch out my back or try to clench so I am not peeing the whole way to my destination. I mean can anyone imagine how humiliating and emotional that can be?? To have NO control of any of this!!!! I have forgotten what it is like to just walk normally and fast! I definitely have taken it for granted that's for sure!
There really isn't much I can do right now, except read, lie here, play on the computer, watch tv and make a easy meal, go to the bathroom and shower. It's extremely hard for me to give up my independence and have other people do things for me or just except that I can't do things.
My house is a fucking disaster right now! And I know people have said, well it's not a big deal, but it is for me! When all you can do is sit here, you notice that there is friggen dog hair all over everything, and the carpet actually feels dirty underneath your feet. There is a thick layer of dust on everything, floors haven't been washed in ages, bathrooms ....don't even get me started on them!!! It makes me throw up a little even thinking about it! And then on top of it all we are in the middle of a small reno what with the painting we just got done, things haven't been put back together, so there is piles of crap everywhere!!! Stuff never gets put away and just sits there and piles up. Cause lets not forget I live with 2 shedding dogs, 2 cats, one messy 7 year old, and one messy 36 year old husband. All who before I got this pregnant, I would clean up after, plus whatever mess I made myself. Well now I can't do any of that, so hence the disaster that is my house! And all I can do is look at it and get even more pissed off!!
Which brings me to a sensitive subject. The relationship between my husband and I right now. I will be the first to fully admit that I am quite the bitch to him right now. I am frustrated that things don't get done or they are all partially done and there is also something more important to do or just MORE to do and he is desperately trying to keep up and do it all, but doing nothing great in the process. But I am aware that he works a full time job and LONG hours, has to be the housekeeper, chef, gardener, grocery shopper, chauffeur, all the while trying to be a loving husband and Daddy. None of which is going well right now. And it's pretty hard for me to sit and watch and not get angry because I feel...'well fuck, I did this when I was working, and even more when I wasn't working, why can't he get it together and multi-task?' We fight all the time right now, and when he gets mad and yells it just sets me off even more that I could just whack him with a frying pan and feel good about it! And I am constantly left feeling that he has no idea what it's like to be going through this right now and am prone to fits of crying uncontrollably cause of EVERYTHING that I and we are going through right now. And I know perfectly well that it's only going to get worse for awhile once the babies get here.
And speaking of getting the babies here...that's another thing...right now I am seeing a doc once a week here in town, and coming up I will be doing for weekly stress tests, heading to William's Lake every 1-2 weeks for appointments, uncomfortable ultrasounds and getting prepared for the fact that I will probably have to have a C-section, which causes HUGE anxiety for me. Now I know that people get them done every day, but it's not everyday someone of my size has had to have a C-section and I worry about the healing process, I worry about being strapped down and having no feeling and knowing that they are cutting into my skin, knowing that I will not be the one to hold my babies first, that Matt will get to see them first and what if something goes wrong, god forbid to me I will never get a chance to hold them. Things get more complicated when you are of bigger size and it scares the hell out of me. And then there's the babies themselves, all the things that can go wrong, with breathing, feeding, etc. I just want everything to be normal and easy but it probably won't be. I am dealing with trying to get prepared for that and I know I've been told, don't worry about stuff unless it happens, but I am not that kind of person. I need to deal with things before hand to get prepared so I can deal with things easier and process it in a more rational way. (Hmmm could you have guessed that I am a bit of a control freak??) The reason I am this way, is because when I had Emma, I had this whole ideal of how things were going to be. That I would have a easy delivery, no problems before and after she came and that just wasn't the case. Being induced early because of pre-eclampsia, being so swollen they couldn't find a vein, drugs that didn't work on my pain control but was passed onto Emma that effected her for 2 weeks after she was born. Post partial hemorrhage, lost of dignity, breast milk that didn't come in and I had no idea and felt like there was something wrong with me and trying so hard to make that work for 5 months before finally giving up. Not to mention I had no real idea on what to expect with a new baby (thanks a lot to the book What to Expect for the First Year). Before finding the Baby Whisperer and becoming sane again. And to top if off post partumthat I had no idea I was going through that at the time.
Please tell me HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO THIS WITH 2 BABIES!?!!
So summing up, yes there is a lot going on right now, mentally and physically and none of it is easy.
The moments that make up for it though, are when I see my belly move like crazy with the babes stretching or dancing around in there. Or when I see myself in the mirror and this huge belly does make me feel beautiful (as long as I don't move! lol). Who knew I could love two things so much, that I haven't even met. Or when Emma comes and cuddles me and feels the babies move or kisses me then the babes, or when Bella my Momma dog comes up and puts her head on my belly and just sighs contently and gazes up at me with her golden eyes and I swear she is listening to them and trying to bond with them already...or she could just be looking for head scratches. Or when Matt gets to feel them going nuts...and he can't believe how much they are moving. Well it's more like Baby A is moving, that's the Baby Matt as I call it. Cause it doesn't stay still all that much just like Matt and Baby B is pretty quiet all curled up in a ball, occasionally having a spaz out, but is pretty laid back and calm. (that one takes after me!!! lol)
If you are wondering why am I airing all this dirty laundry, well honestly if people are wondering why I don't always want to talk on the phone or I don't call them back right away or at all, or when you see me out and I'm not in the best moods or I get really quiet, or you see Matt and I bickering, or get on one of our backs cause I can't make it to some event, or things you think we SHOULD be doing or shouldn't be doing for that matter or that I forget things at the drop of a hat lately (literally!!), that maybe you could think twice of what this whole experience has been like for me and have a bit of understanding.
So everyone that's the dark side of my life right now. Thanks for listening.
