Michael Jackson-Man in the mirror lyrics

Okay so quick little note, as I was finishing my last post, this song came on my IPOD and it really got me.  As you all may know, I am a BIG fan of Michael Jackson and this is probably one of my favorite songs.  I get quite emotional about him, when I listen to his music and how it makes me feel.  But listening to the words as I was typing it struck me more than before...you can't make change or help anyone else if you don't change and help yourself first.  Anyways...thought I would post it. 

Ideas?

So after me writing this last blog entry, I was in a really low place. And it’s for so many reasons, mostly being unhappy with myself and how I can sometimes handle myself.


I think there just has been a lot going on in my life that doesn’t really have anything to do with me or what I want to do. Not only that I am at a huge crossroads in my life, not only with my weight and how I feel about that, but as well my husband and I have decided to try and have another kid. And I guess it’s freaking me out too, because it’s so hard on your body to have a baby, and when you aren’t in the best of health. I mean man it’s taken me 6 and a half years to decide to have another baby, what is this going to do to my body:?

Anyways, last Wednesday I went to get some help with what I am going through. It was supposed to be a 45 minute meeting but it turned into an hour and 45 minute meeting! I guess you could say I spilled a lot of information on her. But we identified my obstacles for not succeeding in weight loss and goals, and a plan of action. So I am on an eating plan, and it’s what…5 days in and it’s not easy….I would much rather go and eat a whole bag of chips! But I am making better choices within the frame of what she gave me. I am trying….but these 5 days have been LONG! LOL I am trying to look short term…losing a 5 percent weight loss, which is 14 pounds and working out 3 times a week for a hour. That’s not a lot to ask considering how many hours there are in a week. If I get lost in the long term of everything I WILL totally fail. And I do find myself feeling like ‘Jesus, do I have to eat like this forever! I can’t see myself doing that!!’ I really have to STOP THAT!

I am also trying not to be cynical…yeah I know freaking hard for ME to do! But I do think, okay why would this work now? Why should now be any different than the SOOOOO many times before! Cause there has been SO many times before! I just know that if I look down the road of giving up and accepting that this is me, weight and all and it’s never going to change and I should try and be happy and accept myself, I just feel that I can’t do that. I would be letting myself down and I don’t think I can just accept it and I also feel I would be doing myself a terrible injustice by not being healthy and in turn letting my daughter down, cause I feel like I’m on a clock, and ticking health clock and will eventually wind down.

I don’t know, I honestly don’t…maybe writing here will help, cause people will know and hopefully be supportive (hint hint! LOL) And this might force me to be truthful and stay on track….baby steps and little by little, who knows….one day at a time I guess.

So the plan now in conjunction with the eating and working out plan, is one of my big issues. And that is giving to others and volunteering a ton of time and never saying no, even when I don’t want to do something or don’t agree with what or how things are being run. So I have decided to step away from a bunch of things, involving Guiding, multiple things around PAC and just keeping things simple. Do one thing a season and focus on that and do it great. My fear about this, is that by giving up things to do, I will just replace it with nothing…nothing but watching TV or surfing the net. I need to replace it with something to tide over my idle hands! Instead of going back into sloth mode!

Ideas??

Me on myself

So where do I begin? I have really not liked who I am lately. I feel like I am negative all the time in how I speak and act and feel. And I feel like I have been giving to everyone except myself. I keep myself busy with other people’s problems and issues or help out as much as I can without ever giving myself a thought. I volunteer for pretty much anything that comes up or that I am asked and feel so much guilt for feeling like I can’t help them or want to say no, but I don’t and then feel angry that I don’t say No or that I again have put myself on the back burner. Not only do I do this with people outside of my home, but I also do it inside my home as well. When I am not helping out for things for my daughter with her school then I don’t spend time with her, and when I do get a chance to spend time with her and do activities together, there is no time for myself. Or then the house comes first, which I must say I do put on my daily list, because I do at LEAST like have some sort of tidiness to my house, if I can’t make it spot on clean. At least there is order. (sometimes) And then there is my husband, I give to him by making dinners, trying to do things so he won’t have to do them and just leave the ‘blue jobs’ to him.


Why is it that I do this? As I look at those words, I search and search myself for the answer. What I come up with is, I want to be accepted and needed and wanted. All the things that I don’t feel for myself. I am very aware that I stand out in a negative way. I am the heaviest in the room and never feel normal or apart of anything. I am the one who is different and not normal and I always want to be accepted and liked. And that goes hand in hand with being needed and wanted. If I’m needed to help out with something or someone wants to spend time with me (even my daughter) then I must be important and maybe they won’t look at me as different or heavy. But usually I feel used. But maybe they will see that I am more than that, although mostly I don’t feel that I am more than that. I feel that my insecurities and lack of self confidence define me, that my weight defines me.

Last night I was up in my bathroom, with my stereo blasting Lady Gaga, and I was singing away, quite loudly at the top of my lungs. And I have to say I think I sounded pretty good lol. And I thought back to when I was in high school and why I didn’t do things or join things that required me to stand out alone, instead of in a group. It was because I didn’t want to be all alone and put myself out there. Cause people would notice me for what I am or what I think I am. I have always envied people who can get up and dance at a club or anywhere or that matter and sing away or play an instrument for a lot of people. And I realized last night that I have purposely avoided doing things in my life that would make me stand out, but that I long to do. I have ALWAYS been afraid. My weight makes me afraid.

And now more than ever it does. The fact that a 4 year old child can shake me up by saying something about my stomach or my clothes being big, just devastates me. If that is what this child says or thinks then other people (grown up people) must think the same about me and mock me behind my back or silently think those things about me.

I hate it. I hate who I am and who I have become and I see only negative things. I need help.

You can't help anyone.......

Okay so why does there NEVER seem to be enough time in the day to do everything I need or want to do?

I am unsure as to how I get in these situations where I never leave enough time to get stuff done...or never have time to do what I want to do, which is ususally just rest!  A friend and I were reading an astrology book and some things about that my sign, which is Leo, where right on.  Something about taking on things to get praise and needing praise to feel complete or something like that.  Yeah that's me all right!  I take on so much for everyone else, kid, husband, school the list can go on and on, wanting to help and heal everyone I know without focusing on myself at ALL!  Then I get pissy and resentful that I don't have time for myself and I get overwhellmed. 

Even my house right now, it's not that dirty or messy or anything but it feels like it is cause there are little things all over the place and it's like mental clutter!  I hate that! 

Anyways, okay so I have put enough energy into negativity.  lol
I was watching my favorite show a few weeks ago (Dexter), and there was a part on it about putting on your air mask before helping your kids with their air masks when you are in a emergency on a airplane.  You can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first.  So step one......stop saying yes to everyone.  Step two.....time management which includes taking time for myself.  Hmm we'll see where that gets me. lol

Being a Mom.....can suck!

So this week has been such a hard week.  Being a Mom has not been easy this week for sure.  I never in a millon years thought that I would be so stressed out about what my kid would be doing while she was at school.  This week my daughter fell at school off a zip line and really hurt her tailbone and got a pretty good sized scrape on her side.  A friend of mine was parent helper and offered to call me, but was unfortunately unable to get a hold of me.  And the teacher didn't contact me.  It bothers me that I see my kid hobbling up to me after school and I wasn't informed what happened.  She is away from me for 6 hours a day and I want to know that if she needs help I would be informed!!

I did a lot of thinking and chatting with good friends yesterday and I feel that it isn't a bad thing that she is sensitive but it does make it harder for her.  I can't change who she is, but I can support her in any way that I can and if she needs a little more snuggle then I will give it to her.  She is only 6 years old and I think that we expect her to be more grown up but no wonder she is breaking down cause she is tired and totally stressed about being good at school all day and doing the right thing and getting her work right and not getting in trouble.  She is only 6!!!  Maybe we require her to be more because she seems so grown up but she isn't able to deal with stuff when she is totally done by the end of the day.  Not only that, she is only a kid once and I am in no hurry for her to grow up, as it seems like the time is going by way too fast.

I can't protect her forever but that time doesn't need to be now, I can only help her deal with things that come up and provide a confortable, safe spot to land and have Mom take care of her the best I can.

Meal Planning Monday!!

So today I sat down and had to plan our weekly meals, which is something I am whole heartedly trying to do EVERY week, it's the sticking to it that is actually the hardest part.

But in a effort to save money and avoid the dreaded 5:30 conversation...ah what are we having for dinner tonight hon?  I dunno, what do you think?  And I have to mention that I sooooo hate this convo!!!  We usually end up arguing or eating not very healthy foods.

So today here is the weekly meals:

Monday - Matt works nights, so anything I want.  It ended up being a hashbrown casserole (which was soooo friggen yummy) and a tuna sandwich.  Made dinner for tomorrow.
Tuesday - Chicken Pot Pie
Wednesday - Bithia's Beefy Koren Dish that I can't pronouce, but is super yummy.
Thursday - BBQ Night at the school
Friday - BBQ Ranch Chicken Homemade Pizza
Saturday - Club Sandwich
Sunday - Spagetti

I will let ya know how it turns out!!! LOL  The most that I am most worried about the Chicken Pot Pie.  I have never made it by myself before, it looks good and smells good, so I'm thinking two out of three ain't bad!

Things I am Loving and Hating!

So I thought I would, for the first time, write about makeup!  Which is something I love love love!!!  But not only the things I love but hate too.  I think I am gonna keep this up every now and again when I notice something good or bad about different products.  Anyways here it goes...

L’Oreal Paris Studio Line Indestructible For Women

Okay so I don’t use a lot of hair spray…well not since I was in junior high and I was so very cool to have the back combed hair sprayed bangs!! Anyways, so I thought I could use some for a little volume, just in case, as I have very thick hair and it tends to look weighted down, especially in the summer. So I used this stuff for the first time when I went down to Portland for the Lady Gaga concert. I decided to go a little out there with my faux hawk ponytail and I used a lot of this stuff…but honestly I probably didn’t have to use so much cause my hair did not move ALL NIGHT!!! It was awesome! Now remember I was dancing for 2 plus hours, it’s the middle of summer, hot and sweaty and the hair didn’t move an inch!! I so love this hair spray! And it doesn’t make your hair feel sticky or heavy and hard, my hair still looked good without looking like I OVERDOSED on product. So I would definitely recommend this product.  (please remember this picture of myself was taken at about 1am!! LOL)

EyeStudio Lasting Drama Gel Eyeliner by Maybelline

So again this stuff I used for the first time in Portland. My friend had some and I had been wanting to try it, so she let use it for myself and as well when I did her makeup. For applying it on someone else and as well myself I have to say I instantly loved it! It is a really great drug store product!!  I have bought one other eyeliner like this before that cost me a bit more than this product and it dried out!! I was pissed!! So when I finally bought this product I was pretty happy with not only the product itself but it also comes with a little brush! The brush itself is pretty good, although I wish it was an angle brush, but it’s okay though it works really well. One thing I have noticed though is that the liner will last longer if I set it with a black shadow, but that goes with any liner really. For the money and what you get with this product, I would definitely recommend it, especially if you don’t want to pay a fortune for a non drugstore product.

Shine Sensational Lip Gloss by Maybelline

I love this stuff!! I picked up this product a month or two ago, it’s called Peach Sorbet. Not only is it super fragrant, but it isn’t sticky at all!!! It moisturizes really well and is shiny without looking “not age appropriate”. The color isn’t very strong, which is fine for me but then again I got one that doesn’t have a huge color to it. I also love to put it on top of any lip color and it just adds that little pop.

Pure Luxe Cosmetics

I bought a bunch of their eye shadows a while back now. How I came upon them was one of the makeup videos I watched on youtube mentioned them, so I thought I would try them out. So if you get one of their shadows in the sample size which is 1/8 a tsp in a jar and they were only a $1.00. I know that doesn’t sound like much but honestly these shadows are highly pigmented and you really don’t need a lot of product on your brush. And as well shipping was only $6.00 and I must have got about 20 shadows. If you go to their website you will find that they have shade under the sun. I have been toying with the idea of getting more, but I should probably either use what I have or get a larger makeup case!! Anyways, you should try them, they are really good!!!

The POREfessional by Benefit

So I got this stuff in a sample from a Benefit counter. The purpose of this product is it is supposed to minimize the appearance of your pores (hence the clever name) and create a super smooth skin. So yes it does give you a super smooth skin but about the minimizing the pores…well I don’t notice much of a difference. (Maybe my pores are too big LOL, it’s possible) But actually, I don’t really care for how it makes my skin feel. I have used the Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer and it is supposed to do the same thing as well as increase the longevity of your foundation. And I find it doesn’t make my skin feel funny, just nice a smooth. And when you add the foundation (which just to mention I did use on top of the Benefit product) your pores disappear! Anyways in a nutshell I am glad I didn’t pay $28.00 for this little tube, because I would have been pretty disappointed.

Clear Moisture Shampoo and Conditioner by Redken

So I am very disappointed with this product, mostly because I bought a huge bottle of the shampoo and conditioner. But I thought I would try something new and since I loved the All Soft shampoo and conditioner of course I thought this one would be the same, not so. So the product states it’s for:

Lightweight Moisture for Normal/dry hair

Infuse normal to dry hair with weightless moisture. Redken's exclusive Interbond Conditioning System, combined with a unique, ultra-light Micro-Moisture Complex, helps restore, rebalance and retain the optimum level without over moisturizing. Hair is replenished, light and shiny

Yeah it didn’t do that for me. For me it dries my hair out and I tend of have lots of knots. With the All Soft product it was always awesome! But now I am suck with these two huge bottles!!! LOL trying very hard to pawn it off on my hubby and kid so I can justify buying two new huge bottles of the All Soft again! So for me, it didn’t work, but it might on a different hair type, just not mine.

Sorry I've haven't been posting

Okay my dear blog....I have to apologize that I haven't written anything in a while.  I have been crazy busy planning and organizing my mother-in-law's surprise birthday party!!  So I haven't had time or energy to do so.

On another note, now that it is over, it turned out great!!!  I loved spending time with my Brother and Sister in law's and my nephew and niece!! 

Now Emma is starting school tomorrow!  I am totally nervous for her!  I can't believe that summer is over! damn it!!!

Decisions and time........

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. – Gandalf

Okay so yeah I’m geeking out right now with a Lord of the Rings quote…but I love this quote.

Deciding on what to do with the time we have. Although none of us really know how much time it is we have, but making a decision on what to do with that time is easier said than done.

I have been none stop thinking on what to do with my time…my life. And I don’t think I have ever struggled so much before with these thoughts. But when it comes down to it why I am having a hard time is because of all the separate outcomes of different decisions. The fear of the unknown, of wasting time, of things not working out. I hate that I can’t figure out what I really want. Or maybe it’s because I want it all. I am someone who likes to have insurance that everything will be okay or work out. Also there is a slight anger and resentment that I haven’t done things sooner or that I have always done what is safe for me…least amount of risk….but not loving what I do.

Do I have another child and stay at home still, do I go back to school, if I go back to school should I look at taking something in business, computers, working towards running my own business, study to be a baker (which by the way – there is NO wedding cake provider in town! Hmmm untapped market), or do I stick with what I know, office worker and look at getting a permanent position at the hospital.

Decisions, decisions…

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. - David Russell

Road to Un-perfection!

#1. Realize that Perfect Doesn’t Work


Why Perfect doesn’t work?

Perfect isn’t real. TV shows are fake!! Reality shows are fake!! And as much as movies and celebrities make it seem that life is perfect, but ours are horrible, it’s not true.

It’s so easy to expect “prefect” from people and life. We didn’t get the perfect answer from our boyfriend or mom. We didn’t get the “perfect body” after taking the “magic pill” that some celebrity said it their “trick” to staying thin. We didn’t have a pack of “the bachelors”, chasing us after we sprayed the new “attraction” perfume on. We didn’t get picked to win the contest that we wanted to win so bad.

Learn to laugh when things go un-perfectly.

#2. Stop Being a Prisoner to Perfection

My name is Nicki Jackson, and I used to strive to be a perfectionist.

Yes, I was paralyzed by decision making. “What if I don’t make the perfect choice!”….”I just won’t type a blog, because what if type a dumb one.” “I need to take on a whole hellva lot and do it the best so it goes perfect and everyone will think I’m perfect! But what really happens is that I tend of fail on some level.”

Or people would say, ”what do you feel like eating?”, and I would default to them, “oh whatever sounds good”, YAY! Then I didn’t have to deal with the stress of picking something out. If it was gross, it wasn’t my fault! ha ha ha

I’ve since learned:

*prepare for mistakes and imperfection the sooner you do the happier you’ll be.

*If you know stuff is gonna go wrong, things aren’t gonna play out like a dream or a movie all the time, the more peaceful you'll be when they do go a little of plan!

*Prepare yourself, and just roll with the changes. It’s better to be the willow that bends in the wind, than the stiff tree that snaps and breaks in the breeze! Don’t break, just bend!

#3. IMPERFECT IS HOW WE BECOME GREAT

Pearls are made from some dirt (garbage) that’s gotten trapped in an oyster. As it’s trying to deal with this “problem”, it gets turned into a beautiful pearl. Same thing with diamonds, from all the incredible pressure, the carbon get “uncomfortably” turned into something so valuable and sparkling, that people pay huge amounts to gaze as these and delight in the beauty of their twinkle.

My life has been events that have caused my mirror to shatter, but as I’ve try to pick up the broken pieces of my life, all those little shattered parts give off more sparkle, shine and light than before when it was more “perfect”!

If you feel that your life, your choices, the people are you, your home, your job, anything is far from perfect. Say YAY! I’m in great company. The most incredible people have come out of things that were far from perfect.

So you didn’t have the dream start to things: your first day of school, making your dreams happen, , you can’t seem to get your life going how you want. It’s ok. I’ve been in more imperfect situations, relationships (i could go on)...but in all those moments, I try and try and try again to say to myself “this is going to make me better, stronger, and more able to endure the challenges that greatness requires.

#4. YOU’RE NOT IN A DARK CAVE OF HOPELESSNESS, BUT A TUNNEL WITH A BRIGHT ENDING.

“DARK MOMENTS ARE SHORT HALLWAYS, LEADING TO SUNLIT ROOMS!”

Sometimes it feels like we’re in a dark cave, with no signs of hope, or an exit, but life is not a cave, but a tunnel. And at any moment, that tunnel can take a quick turn, where you can’t see the light yet, but as soon as you keep going, you see the rays of light and hope showing you the way to go. (I read something like that somewhere once LOL)


REMEMBER:

CHOOSE TO LOVE- rather than hate

CHOOSE TO SMILE - rather than frown

CHOOSE TO BUILD- rather than to tear down

CHOOSE TO PERSEVERE -rather than give up

CHOOSE TO PRAISE - rather than gossip

CHOOSE TO HEAL - rather than wound

CHOOSE TO GIVE - rather than than get

CHOOSE TO ACT - rather than delay

“I want you to let go of all your insecurities. I want you to reject anyone or anything that ever made you feel like you didn’t belong or didn’t fit in or you won’t somehow ever be great. I want you to say no to all those things tonight.


People used to tell me I wasn’t thin enough, not pretty enough, you can’t sing well enough, dance well enough, you can’t write songs well enough, you’re too weird, you dress funny. And I used to say “I’m a superstar and I was fucking born that way!”

You’re 20,000 superstars and just looking up at some bitch on the stage that maybe you’ll be one day, just like I was. So when you leave tonight don’t leave loving me more, leave loving yourself more.” --- Lady Gaga

Coast Driving....Cheating Death!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so while I am visiting the coast I am probably only gonna write a few blogs...only if I have the time.  When I am deciding on what to write, during the day I am just randomly thinking of things and something will stick in my mind that I think 'ohh i should write about that'  Well while I am down there I have thought of a bunch of things...one of which I am gonna write about today.

Okay soooooooooooo....I am not sure if I have just gotten used to living in a small town where the longest traffic jam is usually about 1 minute.  There just isn't that many impatient drivers in a small town cause there doesn't need to be.  That does not mean there are any BAD drivers, cause there is for sure!  But it just isn't as prevalent.  But I used to think I was just more patient now, cause I know I will get there soon enough.  But inevitably when I come down to the coast I end up getting huge road rage....usually in response to shitty drivers or other impatient drivers!! 

For example...yesterday on the freeway around Abbotsford I was driving along doing 110...and I had a tail-gater.  Now I couldn't go any faster if I wanted to because there was someone in front of me...and we were all doing 10 over the speed limit.  So this guy is weaving behind me and riding my ass then decides to go around only to pull in front of me!!!!  Honestly did you get anywhere faster??  Did that give you any satisfaction?? Did you just really need to see past my big truck...cause your little import car didn't help you with that?  I mean really?  If I had to slam on my breaks while he was behind me...I probably wouldn't of have any damage to the truck, but his little pettily car would of be toast!  So what ends up happening after all this....I get angry with him and then I drive more aggressively.  ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  It still makes me mad!  lol

Or people who butt in without any courtesy.  For example....you are heading into a construction zone, going down from two lanes to one...and you get the guy who has to stretch it out still he can't go any further, while the rest of us are waiting nicely.  And he forces he way in like that little space belongs to him...and then NOT EVEN A THANK YOU WAVE!!!   JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yield Signs...........by definition : In road transport, a YIELD (Canada, Ireland, and the United States) or GIVE WAY traffic sign indicates that a vehicle driver must prepare to stop if necessary to let a driver on another approach proceed (but has no need to stop if his way is clear).  Okay so apparently here yield sign means: I know there is a chance I might be hit by someone coming...but there's room for me to squeeze in so lets risk it and go anyways...no need to stop...road big enough!  Well at least I know my heart and my adrenal glands are in good working order and brakes on the truck too!!!  Just because the road is big enough please do not merge...especially when someone is coming off the freeway and in the process of slowing down, while you are chugging along at 20 km

Why do we need to get where we are going so fast....what is the big urgency?  Cause the consequences totally out weight the rush to get anywhere.  I mean really....are you in a rush to get into a massive accident, or hurt someone else cause you aren't paying attention?  Are you in a hurry for your own death? 

So when it comes down to it, when I feel like this while I am down here, I realize that we made a good choice for ourselves by moving away from the lower mainland.  I have realized that I have a personality that doesn't deal well with pressure and stress....and when I come down here...I feel claustrophobic and stressed out all the time!  I can't handle living in a place that makes me feel rushed and stressed out.  So for me...it reminds me that I am where I am supposed to be in life and that is a good feeling.

My Fur Babies

So I haven't written for a few days because I am getting ready for a trip down to the coast and planning an event so I am super busy.

So I am at a loss for something to write about so as I sit here with Bella staring at me, I thought okay...hmmm...I'll share about my other babies...Bosco and Bella.

When we first got Bosco...oh I should say Envercreek's Boscorelli, Emma was 18 months old.  I don't know what we were thinking lol...I wanted to give Bosco back pretty quickly as I have never had a dog before.  And he was a handful!  But I am so glad that I didn't...he has turned into a amazing dog!!!  Now he's 5 years old and there's nothing more than I love than to cuddle up to his soft fur.  Although he's a bit of a licker lol he has the sweetest disposition.  There also is this thing he does when I strach his back back...he talks...lol...this low growl sound and he only does it after I say "who loves his momma?' LOL 

And then Bella came along...Envercreek's Emma's Myabella.  She was supposed to be Emma's dog  but in reality she is so my dog. I just adore Bella.  I am so glad we added her to our family.  She has such a mom personality.  Super sweet and caring and always wanting to hug and cuddle.  And when Emma is doing something that might be dangerous, Bella isn't far away...watching her.  Every night since she was a little puppy she has slept at my feet...and she puts her head on my foot or leg and i bury my other foot in her fur and we fall asleep.  lol  Even right now as she is lying on the other couch she is staring at me saying a lot with her eyes.  Like 'Mom, where is Bosco?' (he's outside by the way) She is just the sweetest dog ever! 

My Girls!!

There is something that has been on my mind all day. 

So today after Emma's library group, we had a play date at our house with Pam's kids and Bithia's kids and among our talking about everything and anything we were talking about appreciation.

So I want to take this moment to say a few things about the special girl friends in my life.

Tannis, Bithia, Pam, and Lynn.  I APPRECIATE YOU ALL!  And all in different but sometimes the same ways.

I think we as women don't get appreciated as much as we should for the things we do or sometimes put up with from families, kids, hubby's, and society.  And it made me realize that since we all don't get that acknowledgement and appreciation that I am gonna give a shot out to all my favorite ladies!

Tannis - What can I say.  Honestly!  She is my oldest (not in age lol), friend.  I met her when I was 15 years old and she is the only one I have kept in close contact from high school.  She knows me better than anyone else in the world and has been there for all my best and worst moments, and she never lets me down when I need her.  She listens to me ramble and bitch about the same shit over and over again and I so love her for it! lol  We are always thinking the same thing without even saying anything anything to each other.  We have been though a lot together and I wouldn't want anyone else along for the ride with me.  I so appreciate having her in my life, I know I wouldn't be her without her!  She is my sister and i love her to death.

Bithia - When I first met Bithia, I was so intimidated! lol which makes me laugh now that I know her pretty well.  But at the time, I saw this gorgeous, fashionable Mom and I thought oh well she must be stuck up.  I mean talk about making generalizations about people, cause she is so not like that!!!  She is one of the most down to earth, funny, caring and greatest person I have ever met.  My friendship with her has come so easy that I has shocked me cause I find that I am not always someone who makes close friends easy.  I really appreciate her friendship cause I feel that I can be comfortable and real with her and I admire her as well for how she is with her kids, family and friends.  And well...the fact that we can geek out over our love of office supplies!!! lol!!! 

Pam - I met Pam the same way I met with Bithia.  They were good friends before I came along.  But with Pam I saw this (again) gorgeous, outdoorsy, fit, adventurous Mom who does a whole hellva lot and makes it look easy and is super friendly to boot.  I didn't think that we had anything in common at all!  But that's so not the case.  There was this moment a few months back where we were at a meeting for French Immersion and coming out of the meeting she asked me...'hey are you okay?  I just feel that something is up or you are sad or something.'  And that made me realize I have felt like I have known her for years.  We are both only children and share some of the same similarities on how we deal with things.  I really appreciate that we can talk about problems and understand each other without a lot of explanation.  And as well...when someone says something like 'balls, hard, or package' and we giggle like little girls!  Oh and as well Bithia is right in there too...we can all hang out and talk serious but also be totally crude! lol

Lynn - I met Lynn through Girl Guides and she is the first real friend I made when I moved up here.  And it was fate that we met! The house she moved into was one that we were considering buying but we let it go...and they bought it!  We didn't make friends right away we just sort of acknowledged each other at the meetings a bit and it wasn't until we were forced together (lol) in guides that we got together and talked and we realized that we were a hellva lot alike!  I soooooo appreciate her openness and how we can totally talk honestly with each other and she is super supportive (and I her) of things we both have gone through in marriage and being a Mom.  I love that we can hang out and talk about anything and then time passes way to frigging quickly!  lol 

And for the ladies that I didn't get time to mention...Christie (sister in law), Paula, Emmy-Lou,...oh my goodness the list could go on.  All different friendships, and all in different stages of knowing one another, but with one commonality, I appreicate my friendship with you all, deeply! 

Ladies, I love you all so very much, you are all gorgeous beautiful strong women.  And I am so grateful to know each of you and I hope that never changes no matter where each of us are in the world or our lives.

Foodie Firsts!!

Well today I had a first.  I ate Chicken Pot Pie!  I know that must sound weird, but it's true!  I never used to be big on trying new foods, but when Emma's picky eating habits I have forced myself to show her that it isn't hard to try new foods.  And guess what!?  The words I have spouting to Emma about 'try it you might like it'  'it can't hurt you' 'there's nothing to be afraid of' are totally right!  I loved the chicken pot pie...I thought I was never much for cooked veggies but veggies cooked in butter is a GOOD THING!  lol 

So you are probably wondering how I tried Chicken Pot Pie...well I was at the Community Kitchen today, helping my good friend Bithia out.  Community Kitchen is where people from the community get together and make food together, eat lunch together and tidy up and then sometimes take home the left overs.  Emma loves it not for the food, but so she can play with friends, as the child minding is free!  I love it cause not only do I get to hang out with great girly friends (Pam and Bithia) but meet other people in the community and do one of my favorite things...cook together and chat while cooking.  This is how I am becoming a foodie and trying new foods!  The last thing we had was Mulligatawny Soup.  The name Mulligatawny comes from 2 oriental Indian words meaning 'pepper water' and curry is the particular ingredient that gives this incredible soup such a delicious flavor...so I'm told.   Anyways it was so very yummy!!! 

Also another food first for me is Eggs Benny!  OH MY FRIGGEN GOD!  I loved it!!!!!!!!  When you slather anything is a yummy sauce anything tastes good!!!  Oh and frying things is butter...AWESOME! lol

Going to community kitchen and trying new foods sparks my interest in making new foods and of course my favorite thing to do...BAKE!  It really makes me realize that I love baking so much!  It also ignites my passion of wanting to own my own bakery someday!  I wish I could do that...I am just so afraid to take the step!  How do you run and own your own bakery when you haven't taken one baking class or business class?  What should I do...??? Argh...

Not sure what to say...

Well like the title says...not sure what to say.  Didn't do too much today, except that my husband is slowly digging himself out of the dog house.  He and Emma went out for awhile today and when they came back Emma and Matt surprised me with 3 cards and two belated birthday presents.  A windchime (as I do love them!!) and a figurine from a line that I like.  It did make me cry.  I loved it.  Then Emma and Matt made a easy bake chocolate cake and it was super cute! 

Later on we made homemade pizzas, we loved it...it was soooo very good!  And emma ate it too...but it wasn't her favorite.  That's okay she ate it, which was the biggest gift!!!!!!    As those of you who know...she is a 'limited' eater.  So her making something and eating it even though she didn't like it, was huge for her!

Scary Movies - Why I love them!!!

So today I was trying to find something to watch and also to blog about...(I hate that I don't have a direction by the way! LOL)  But I was looking for a movie to watch and Paranormal Activity came up and I almost started it up but then I thought...WHAT?  AM I NUTS!  That movie freaks the hell out of me...but if you haven't seen it....SEE IT!  That movie is so well done for a simple movie and it totally gets the messes with your head!  Not many movies make me want to hide my face when I am watching it but this one totally does!  But I LOVE IT!  I loved to be creeped out! lol  I mean this is coming from a girl who watched her first horror movie when she was five years old!  THE FOG!  And for those of you that don't know why that movie freaks me out it's because when I woke up in the morning at my Aunt's house, the house was surrounded by FOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL  awesome!  I would of loved to see my face!

So then I started thinking about my fav horror/scary movies of all time!

Nightmare on Elm Street (the original) - I remember watching this movie during a sleep over at my house.  Now I don't remember who the heck was sleeping over, but I remember everything about this movie!!

There is something about the scene when Tina wakes up and makes her way outside (I loved the build up!) and then she sees Freddy Kruger in the alley and his arms are super long so he can scrap the side of the walls with his knife fingers!!  Oh I loved it!  and freaky at the same time!!!!!

Poltergeist - This movie probably was the start of why I get freaked out about ghosts or anything of that nature!  When the kid slid along the floor in the kitchen...and the chairs where arranged in a stack....FREAKED ME OUT!  Not to mention that kid....THERE HEEERRRRRE, two simple words that everyone knows ...who's here! lol  And it totally makes me afraid of a snowy tv, closets, and gigantic trees!

Saw - I also liked this movie a lot...more of a smarter horror movie that totally messes with your head!    I have only seen 1 through 3 hopefully they haven't screwed this series like Friday the 13th.  But I am sure there are tons of ways to choose what you can do once the guy has you!  But super sick...LOVE IT! ;-)

The Blair Witch Project - I kinda paused adding this one because looking back I am sure it wasn't a GREAT movie...but totally mind fu*ks you!  And the final scene really stuck with me with the guy in the corner!  And I guess that is what, to me, defines a good movie!  It makes me feel uneasy and sick! 

The Exorcist - When I saw this movie for the first time, when I went to bed I slept with my light on!  LOL  At the time it was made and what the things this kid did in the movie....man, it made the hairs on my arm stand up!  Creepy and again things about being possessed or things with the devil totally do it for me!!! (for a horror movie! lol)

The Others - I am not a huge Nicole Kidman fan that is for sure!  But I loved her in this movie, the kids, the story - everything.  Also great was the twist al-a The Sixth Sense! 

Hellraiser - OH MY GOD...I remember seeing this movie when I was a kid and I thought when it started oh it's so forbidden!  When the characters are doing it one minute and then the next that guy's skin is being torn to pieces!  The Cenobites are friggen freaky!!!  I loved the make and costumes in that movie from those friggen Cenobites!!!  And really they aren't on the screen for very long...we see only flashes of them but that is enough!  Good classic horror movie!

Scream - Great line "What's your favorite scary movie?"  Not only are you wondering who the killer or killers are throughout the whole movie, but the dialogue was awesome, really witty and not the typical type of horror film where you are yelling at the stupid girl to fight back or run like hell or you know the token slut or black guy will definitely bite it!  Although that did happen in the film lol just not the way it usually is done.

The Grudge - LOVED LOVED LOVED this scary movie!  One of my all time favs!  The girl and the hair and the sound....gives me the shivers just thinking about it!!!  And when I saw the second movie...my best friend, Tannis and I saw it in a empty movie theater!  I cannot believe we were the only ones and there we were sitting there covered in our jackets, peaking out so not to be totally scared!  (although that didn't matter)  That's the first time I have ever been able to speak what I am thinking....like "don't go that way!" "Oh my god, did you see that?"  LOL it was great!!!  If someone would of had a great sense of humor they could of scared the shit out of us!!!!

Anyways, this is just a small percentage of horror movies that I love!  If you haven't seen them, get a comfy, fluffy blanket and bucket of popcorn and get ready to peak out from under that comfy blankey cause you are sooooo gonna need it!!!! ;-)  I guess that is why I love Halloween so much too!!!!

Oh and by the way.....................................Paranormal Activity 2 is coming out this fall!!!!  moowwhaaaaaaaaa (that is supposed to be a evil laugh! LOL)

Things I am lovin...

So I thought I would talk about things I am lovin....

BIG BROTHER - Okay so I know it's terrible reality TV, but I just love it!  There's something about watching people come un-done while living in a house with the same people, strangers I might add, with no outside contact.  It's total mind candy!  Not to mention I love how perception of things can get totally distored in the house as well.  Or when people get so cocky about what they think they are doing and no one is on to them but people figure it out.  I know it's awlful to love it but I do!!

CAMPING - The thing I love about camping is that not only is it a sign of summer, but there is something about camping that brings people together.  And as well when we camp we all sit down for meals, talk, do dishes together and then relax afterwards around the fire or play cards and games.  We don't really make time and do that when we are at home.  Now this is the first year that I haven't camped in a tent.  We just got a really great trailer to camp in and it has been so much easier than tenting with a kid and 2 large dogs!  Plus we are all clean! WOO HOO

MAKEUP - I just love makeup right now!  I used to sort of be into it, but just probably over 2 years ago I realized how fun, wonder and well let's just say it...helpful makeup is as I get older!  I love the creativity of it, the colors, the interesting and genius way that certain products can make you look or what it can do.  I would love to be a makeup artist!!  I subscribe to makeup blogs and as well makeup videos on youtube.  They are great ways to try and be more adventurous with colors or to learn new and different application techniques.

WOOD JEWELERY - I love wood jewelery!  The look of it, the creativeness of it, I don't know.  It's beautiful and natural. 

TORRID - Torrid is a store in the states that sells plus sized clothing that isn't out of date or unattractive.  They sell modern, hip or whatever totally un-cool words I could use to describe them.  But I just love their stuff!  I wish there was a store closer!  But sadly enough the closest one is almost to Seattle.  But I still like looking online to see what kind of stuff they have.  But their shipping costs are pretty high!!! 

LADY GAGA - So I just can't get enough of Lady Gaga.  Might be something to do with the fact that I am going down to Portland to see she in concert in less than 2 weeks WOO HOO!  But I am just in awe of her.  I love the creativeness that she oozes! 

TWILIGHT BOOKS - So even though I read the Twilight books a while ago, I still have to say they are at the top of my list.  I just love that they take you to this place that you can almost feel, smell and see.  It's like a comforting feeling is the only way I can describe it.  Last summer I went to Forks, Washington, - now I KNOW that these are just books and I wasn't going to really see Bella, Edward and Jacob!  But the town really plays up to the story.  The toursim that has popped up because of this series sure has helped the town!  You can do a driving tour of the police station, hospital where Dr. Cullen parks, Bella's house, the Quileute reservation and even the Treaty Line!!! LOL pure fun! 

Anyways those are just a few things on the list of things I am lovin!!!  I could go on and on...but it's getting late!!!  Night all!

Bucket List - Here's to making things happen!

So honestly I didn't have time to write a blog today.  It's been kind of a bad day, what with me not speaking to my husband right now.  And it's midnight and my battery on the computer is low soooooooooo....I decided to go with something I wrote down a before I turned 30, which was THINGS TO DO BEFORE I KICK THE BUCKET!  Well I am 33 now and yes I have accomplished a few things on the list.  But re-reading it right now has made me realize that there are tons of things I wan to do and experience and these things are things that I REALLY want in one way or another.  If I want them to happen I have to put one foot in front of the other and make it happen.  The feeling I have gotten from looking back and saying Hey I DID do that, is such a great feeling.  So it's up to me....get my ass in gear and make some of these things happen!

I wonder what other people's bucket lists are like...If anyone does read this, please add what you would want to do.

Loose weight ideally 150-180 pounds


Own my own home on acreage  (Done)

Learn to speak another language fluently, Italian or Spanish

Play guitar

Learn to dance formally

Lean to kayak

Go zip trekking (Done)

Go ATVing

Travel to: Greece, United Kingdom, Spain, Italy, Turkey, France, Germany, Africa, Dominican, Cuba, Peru, Mexico, All over the US, and all over Canada,

I want to learn about Philosophy and History

I want to sing in front of an audience

Dance on the bar at Coyote Ugly

Learn to swim

Learn to box (training, not sparing)

Learn to play soccer

Learn to cook really well

Design and make jewellery

Go on a road trip around the US

Learn how to horseback ride

See a big UFC fight

Go to the Stanley Cup Finals

Go to a Canucks playoff game

Own a boat

Learn to water ski

Own a sea-doo

Own my own bakery/coffee shop

Design a website

Organize a wedding

Run a doggy day care

Get a nice leather backpack

Get a FULL day at spa utopia

Have a professional makeup artist to do my makeup (oprah’s makeup guy cause - have you seen here without makeup? He's a genius!!!!!)

Have tasteful naked pictures taken

Go see a Glasgow Rangers game

Have my lower back tattoo finished

Learn to ice skate and roller blade

Meet Maya Angelou  (Didn't meet her but saw her speak in person!)

Have a Jacuzzi tub for 2 (Done)

Own a hot tub

Have a professional looking haunted house for Halloween

Be as organized as Martha

Own and run a successful business

Own a house on a lake with a fire pit and hot tub

Swim with dolphins

Go snorkelling

Learn to ski

Learn to paint  (Thank you Bob Ross!)

Learn to draw better

Jog – join a jogging club

Grow veggies

Learn more about gardening

Have a big garden full of fragrant flowers  (Done)

Decorate a house

Get involved in the Big Sisters

Get involved in programs for young girls on self-esteem

See wild game on an African safari

Skydive

Travel the Nile in Egypt

Be serenaded by a Venetian gondolier

Paint the Big Apple red

Float in a hot air balloon

Ride a mule down the Grand Canyon

Ride a Harley down an open road

Be an extra in a movie

Horseback ride along a beach

Conquer a fear

Ride a steamboat down the Mississippi

Write a song

Visit a nudist colony

Have abs

Find a job I love

Get my degree(s)

Go on a trip with a bunch of friends

Be in Ireland on St.Patty’s Day

See the Egyptian Pyramids

Write a children’s book for my children

Have my portrait painted

Take a culinary course/college

Have my own IPOD (Done)

Have over 1,000 songs on my IPOD (Done)

Make my parents proud (Done, thanks Mom!)

Scrapbook my childhood and my future

Give my mom flowers on my b-day every year

Get my teeth whitened

Find a perfect hairstyle

BE HEARD

Have a leader presence

Don’t let people walk over me

Be the Voice of a cartoon character

Stay in a 5-Star Hotel

Eat in a 5-Star Restaurant

Rent a limo for a night and just watch movies

Go ice-skating in NYC

See the ball drop in NYC in a hotel

Make a quilt from the time each of my kids are born until they graduate high school/college

Get a Brazilian Wax (to see if I have the guts)

Realize the only person I can control is myself

Go to Mardi Gras

See the Mona Lisa

Learn to sew

Go in a strip club-just to see what the fuss is about

Learn to play pool well

go wild in Disney World

learn to do some hip-hop moves

give blood

go Paintballing

Walk in Central Park

Write an entire novel (that I’m satisfied with) and have it published

Start a charity foundation or get involved in one

Help people achieve their goals

Learn to dance salsa

Attend cirque du soleil or another "spectacular" show

Create my own plus sized clothing collection

Things I wish I did....

Things I wish I did…

- I wish I was a coupon clipper. I envy women I see in the check out line with their nicely clipped coupons, shopping with a purpose and meal plan. I have never done that…the only time I do use coupons is if Matt noticed it while we were walking into the store. But honestly I do envy slash hate those women. Like everything is easy for them and they have all the time in the world to do that. Those women are typically also the women or Mom’s I should say who look like they have it all together. Really this is just about me feeling in-adequate as a mom, wife and woman. Maybe they don’t have it all together but it’s all about appearances for them. ((Look like you’re together and people will think that!)) Well it works!

- I wish I shopped organically. Not I’m so so on this one. Part of me thinks that it is sort of a gimmick to shop organically. I mean how do we REALLY know that it is organic? Unless you grow something yourself, you can’t really know. But again with people who shop organically are making a statement that “I care about what my family eats.” Or “I’m healthier than you”…I dunno…I don’t mean to say that these people are bad. I just want to know really are they following the herd or did they do research on what it means to eat organic. Now I do care what my family eats, but also I feel that we have all been surviving as a species for a VERY long time and yes…will lots of things give you cancer? yes. Will lots of things make you gain weight? yes. Heart disease yes…yadda yadda yadda. But honestly that can happen from anything as well. But going back to my statement, I wish I shopped organically. I do…because outwardly it would say that yes I do care about what I eat, because since I am so overweight I feel like it’s displayed for all to see, so I must not care what I eat because of my size.

- I wish I actually read the newspaper. When I get a paper…and I state yes I read the paper today. What I’m actually saying is I did either one of two things… One I either started reading the article but got bored, as I usually do, and didn’t finish it – so I tend not to know all the facts. Two, I scanned the title and bits of info from the article. Again knowing just enough to get info.

- I wish I was more obsessive about cleaning. Honestly I’m not. I am a surface cleaner. I do the minimum to get by. Although it drives me nuts that I know underneath the wash and dryer it must be so gross, I don’t do anything about it. Cause that requires more than what I want to do. And I need help to do it. Although I can’t take full responsibility on this one…Matt totally contributes to this too. I need help to do the major things and I get easily overwhelmed, if I actually sat down and thought about everything I SHOULD do, I probably would never do it.

- I wish I took better care of myself. I never take time to work on myself…my physical self that is. It’s like I can’t be bothered to do that. Or really for that matter, my emotional self I haven’t worked on that in a while too. And as I wrote in my previous blog, I feel like I am ready to change so maybe there is where I should focus my energy.

- I wish I meal planned. I really wish I did that, food shopping would be better and I wouldn’t face that time of day where I have nothing planned and I wander around the kitchen thinking hmmmm what do we have to make, we don’t have anything…yep it’s cheese and crackers for dinner. When in actual fact we do have food for dinner, I just don’t want to take the time to prep.

All in all there are tons of things I wished I did, maybe instead of thinking of things I wished I did, I should actually do them…hmmm now’s there’s a thought!