It's been a while....a long while!

Well like I said, it's been a while, quite a while since I have written on here. 

I have been through a few ultrasounds since I last wrote.  Everything is going good, pregnancy wise.  The babes are growing great!  The ultrasound and blood tests that I have had seem to show that there are no problems with the cupcakes, they are of normal size for twins and there are no problems with their spines, hearts all that stuff.  Emma even got to see them on the ultrasound, which she thought was cool. 

The heartbeats have been strong and about the same, 145 beats per minute.  And they have been kicking like crazy!!  Although no one but Matt has felt them kick, they are quite elusive to other people.  But this morning Emma saw my tummy move for the first time!!  It's pretty freaky to see my stomach move on it's own!

Now as for me, I haven't been doing all that well.  The numbness in my fingers and hands has been extremely bad, which is partly why I haven't been typing any blogs.  The pain can get so bad sometimes that I sometimes feel it would feel better if I just cut open my skin to relieve the pressure!!  I won't of course, but that's the extent of the pain!  Plus the pain in my shoulders, back and now pelvis, which has gotten a lot worse, since I think they have dropped or turned or something, but the pelvic pain is huge.  Everything that I do is difficult, getting into bed, walking Emma to school, driving, going up my stairs, grocery shopping, even just rolling over in bed!  I feel like a turtle who gets stuck on her back and can't roll over!  lol  it's not a pretty sight!  I don't even fit in my stand up shower anymore!!!  Although, I am huge at 6 months, I have only gained 8 pounds!!!  LOL although you wouldn't know it!! 

Besides the weight thing, I have been feeling pretty down on myself because I feel like crap and I hate it!  And I have been having scary dreams where I don't live to see my babies, it's just awful!  I am pretty scared of what's to come for us and all the things that could go wrong.  But I do think I need to go through these thoughts to process them and be prepared, and then I tend to handle things better.

On another note, I am done work now...WOO HOO, I really needed to be done!  Next week we are starting our renos (aka painting), and when I say we, I mean Matt and Shana, who is painting our living room, kitchen and entryway.  I will feel so much better when it is all done!  It's quite annoying when I can't do pretty much anything that I want to get done!  But at the same time, I should treasure it now as come August I am sure I will be a zombie!

So my next task is my OB's appointment tomorrow in William's Lake and to not go into early labor while watching the Canucks!!!  Here's hoping for no playoff babes, and Vancouver to the cup!!! ;-)

Cupcakes update!

I cannot believe that I am almost 4 months already!! And I have survived so far, despite the ‘any time’ sickness. Now we’re moving into the uncomfortable part. Sleeping comfortably has been an issue as it seems that the only comfortable way is to sleep slightly elevated on 3 pillows with a pillow beside me so my arm doesn’t go numb!! (Yes that’s an interesting side effect, although I had that with Emma too!)


Also now I’m into the stage of clothes not fitting the best…although I hit that stage a few weeks ago, it’s only getting worse. I have been plagued with thoughts of ‘oh my god what is going to happen to my body!’ and checking out plastic surgery websites! Gravity is already doing a good job on me I am sure holding 2 cupcakes in the oven are just going to make gravity do it job faster! So I am seriously thinking of taking stock in Spanks right about now!! And the worst part is working while trying to fit into clothes that aren’t too short or have a little bit of spandex in the fabric!! There are no plus size maternity stores up here so I am hoping to hold out on the yoga pants and one pair of forgiving jeans that I have until I make our trip to Kelowna where I can pick up some maternity pants.

Other than that, I am working on the twins room and trying to decide a décor look that is gender neutral. It’s a hellva lot harder to when you think that you have to get two of everything! And my taste that I had with Emma is a lot different now, so I’m trying to work with it! lol

Emma has decided she would like to have the guest room now and the twins can have her room. She tells me that she is growing up and thinks that she should have the bigger room, so that when her friends come over they have more room to play and she also wants a desk so that she can have a place to do homework and art work. Oh and did I mention she would like to have the walls dark purple (like a plum!). I am actually okay with it, cause she was so articulate with her reasoning. She said ‘well, I want the walls that dark because that side of the house gets the morning sun and with light walls it’s still really bright in the morning even with the shades down, so if the walls are dark then my room will stay darker in the morning.’ Hmmmm how can I argue with that? So I looked up some dark purple rooms on line and I actually really like them so it might work.

Lastly while I was surfing the net the other day, I noticed a link on my cousin’s facebook regarding twins. (here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVyD1Qw5OEU&feature=youtube_gdata_player )

It’s super funny and honestly I cannot help laughing and crying at the same time while watching this, thinking of what my twins are going to be like. It really makes me look forward to having twins now…I hope they will bring a lot of laughter into my life.

Back at it

Okay so it's been a while since I have written a baby blog.  That's because, well about a month ago I after my February ultrasound I woke up with the worst cold/flu thing, whatever it was!!  A day later I woke up throwing up and then I couldn't breathe!  I was gasping for air and didn't have a voice.  I called Matt at work and said in a barely there whisper, I can't breathe you need to come home and take me to the hospital!  Matt hurried home and realized yes I do need to take her in to the ER.  The doc put me on nebulized epinephrine.  I had two rounds of it before my throat opened up and the doc also put me on predanzone (however you spell it) for a week to take the swelling down in my throat.  It took me a week before I could actually speak again.  It was crazy!

Anyways so the results of my February ultrasound, the babies were fine!!  Heart rates were 154 for baby B and 138 I think for baby A.  The tech said they were bouncing around all over the place and wouldn't settle down, so it took 2 hours to do the whole ultrasound!!  So I was very happy to hear that, of course! 

Lets see what else has happened over the last month.  I had my maternity visit for my in town doctor and my blood pressure was up super high 158/92!  But I was hoping it was just a bad day, because at work it was a very stressful day and apparently I don't deal with stress very well at all!  (surprise surprise!)  But then a day later it was 127/80, so that's much better and it was around the same a few days later too.  So I think it was just the stress that work can produce in me.  Hmmm maybe I will be off work soon!!!!!!!!!!!!  Here's hoping!

So fast forward to yesterday, where I had my monthly ultrasound, and I'm 3 and a half months by the way.  First I arrived too early, like 45 minutes early and apparently I drank way too much water!  I got there and was doing the pee pee dance and said to Matt I have to go just a bit.  So I did just a bit, but by the time I got back to where Matt was I was doing the dance and it was super painful!  So I decided to go again, but this time I needed Matt to help me up out of my chair, cause I knew if I moved a certain way, there would of been a huge accident!!  So anyways, I go again, and let me just say....when you have to REALLY GO, to try and stop yourself 'going' ummmmm yeah that's like trying to put a kink in a freakin fire hose!!!  VERY VERY DIFFICULT!  So I go back to see Matt and I was okay for about 20 minutes, but then I got very uncomfortable again, and told Matt, you go and ask how long it's going to be cause I can't hold it anymore!!!  The clerk gave me a cup and told me to just fill it up.  So again I went down to the bathroom, so excited to be finally GOING LOL....and what did I do??  Dropped the friggen cup in the toilet!!  Honestly!!!!  But at that point I didn't care!!!! 
So anyways finally the tech told me to come in and he was a bit of a jerk, but oh well.  Anyways he didn't tell me ANYTHING!!!  Not what the heartbeats are, if they are okay, NOTHING.  I asked if there were still two in there and he just said "ah huh".  He didn't show me the screen, and about 45 minutes later he says okay just a minute and I thought okay he's going to get Matt and Emma, and then he comes back in and says okay you can go.  And I was shocked, I said is everything okay? again he said 'ah huh', I get dressed and go back in and ask, do I get a photo?  He again says umm next time.   So Emma was upset that she didn't get to see the babies, I was totally worried that he didn't say anything when the last 3 ultrasounds I have had they have told me something!  I was freaked out!!! 

A co-worker suggested I call my OB and see if he could just ease my fears, and so I did.  The clerk was super nice to me and totally understood when I told her and said, you know I'm pregnant with twins, hormonal and slightly a little be crazy, I just need to know they are okay.  She told me that Dr. Gill was in the OR all day.  So I didn't except a call, I know he's busy.  But at 6pm he called!!!  The babies are fine!  They are growing great and right on target for their age and everything looks great!  ~SIGH~ what a relief!!!!!!  Honestly I have got to come up with a great gift for Dr. Gill when all this is over!!!  He's be nothing but good to me since the first night I saw in the ER. 

Anyways, so the cupcakes are awesome!  I am a bit crazy and hormonal and still getting morning sickness ALL DAY LONG, although some days are better than others.  I have ANOTHER cold!!!  oh and I am really looking pregnant to boot!  I had to go and get pregnancy clothes last weekend already!!!!!!!!!  it's like literally within the past 2 weeks I have popped!! 

I wanted to also say to everyone, thanks for the words of support!  I am sorry if I haven't kept in the best contact or answered emails.  When I come home I nap!!  I am up with the family for a bit before I'm off to bed by 10pm.  It's terrible!!!  I'm zoned out most of the time!!  lol  Anyways I just wanted to tell you all, I am still here, I apologize for not keeping in better touch!  And I really appreciate all your support!!

Now onto better things....decorating the twin's room!!!!

Confession...

Okay so I have something to confess.  I might seem like I am calm and super excited about the twins...and I am.  But I am scared.  Scared as hell that Thursday is going to bring me bad news.  As some of you may know, Thursday is my ultrasound day.  I am so scared, actually scared isn't the word, I think terrified would be more fitting.  I am terrified that that ultrasound is going to show either I have lost one of the babies, or both.  I know the doctor said that it was a good thing that the bleeding stopped and I never had any cramping, but I just can't help thinking I am going to go in there and be extremely devastated. 

I try and justify it, thinking well I still get nauseous and feel tired all the time, and pretty irritable.  But I haven't been feeling emotional, like I was crying all the time.  I have been feeling more perky and together, not so out there and raw emotionally.  Until yesterday, it hit me and I have been pretty emotionally hard for me thinking about this Thursday.  But I keep thinking all this is in my head...the symptoms that is. 

I am trying to think positively, but I am not sure I could take telling everyone...no I lost one of them or both of them.  It's like living it over and over again! 

Who knew I could go from total freak out about having 2 babies, to wanting them more than anything in the world.  I am just trying to keep my chin up and not think about it every minute, but those who know me well know that's not possible for me. 

So here's hoping that they are both healthy with strong little heartbeats.  I just want to get through the next few months without any more crazyness. 

Well...I'M OFF BED REST!!! WOO HOO

Hello family and friends!

Well I had my OB appointment today, which I was not so patiently waiting for, but then again when you are stuck doing nothing all week, what is there to do but count the hours!!!

So I went to William's Lake to see Dr. Gill (AKA: Jeff Bridges/Josh Brolin look alike) and oh before I get started...did I mention Emma woke up puking her guts out!!!  Poor little girl, she felt terrible and here we needed to make her sit in a truck for an hour each way!  Not to also mention that once she started yakking, it would set me off...so I should say POOR MATT!! LOL

Anyways, so I met with Dr. Gill.  He basically went over what this pregnancy is going to be like for me, and what I need to look forward to, to prepare myself.  He spent a hour with us, so the basic overview is this:
- starting in 2 weeks I have to have a ultrasound a month (super fun, for those men out there...try having to really really pee but you can't and have someone press this scanner on your bladder and don't move at all!!!)
- As of 24 weeks I am to stop working, so that's the end of May.  And basically that is to reduce chances to pre-term labor so I am to keep myself low on stress and activity as the point is to keep the babies in there longer.
- They won't let me go past 38 weeks, but probably deliver 36-37 weeks.
- I have to go for blood tests coming up to screen for Down Syndrome and defects.
- I have to make sure I drink at LEAST 4 large glasses of milk a day because the babies need the calcium otherwise they will suck me dry so to speak!
- Near the end of the pregnancy I will be given some sort of steroid shots to make the babies lungs mature as they will be born premature.

And that is about it, besides some little things that don't need to be repeated! lol
But anyways as for the bleeding that I had, he didn't say much, but that it's a good thing that I never had cramps.  It could of been stress, I still might have lost one of the babies, we'll see at the ultrasound in two weeks.  I still have to take it easy, keep my stress down, but if I'm going to miscarry, then it will happen no matter what I am doing at this point.  Which sucks, it feels like there's nothing that can be done...which there isn't, but man in this day and age with all sorts of medical advances and they can't do anything.  It's pretty frustrating. 

Anyways, it seems like I'm in for quite a ride!!!  But for now the little cupcakes are doing well, I'm still super nauseous and emotional!!!  It's one day at a time right now!!

Well, first post on the baby blog! And 7 days bed rest for me!

Okay so thanks to my Aunt Deb, she suggested that I do a baby blog.  Being that I am pregnant with twins and a have a lot of family that aren't in the area, this will keep them in the know what we are going through! 

So first things first!  (In the words of Jeff Probst!)

It took us almost 7 years to decide to have another child!  And in the end of October I had my IUD taken out, and the doc basically said, I could get pregnant tomorrow!  AHHH ;-)  Okay so here we go!  Fast forward to December 25, I took a pregnancy test and it said I wasn't pregnant, and I took the test, cause I thought oh wouldn't it be a great Christmas announcement!!!  But alas it was negative.  So then around January 6th I realized at work I was 8 days late and Matt was coming home that day from his last rotation in Kamloops.  So on my afternoon break I was just hanging out with my co-workers and I mentioned that I was late...and did they think that was significant?  They encouraged me to go and take a test, that one of the nurses would give me.  So I did, and low and behold...there were two pink lines!!!!!!!!!!  Matt arrived shortly after and I told him...he was shocked!!!!!!  It really hadn't been that long that we were trying!!  A month really. 

When we went home, we told Emma and Dan and Colleen, cause they were watching Emma after school.  And then of course we told my parents...well I let Emma tell my parents!  Everyone was super excited.  We decided to just start telling people, once Emma made an announcement at school!! lol  We live in a small town and if something bad happened, everyone is going to know about it anyways. 

So then probably two weeks later I started having cramps.  I went to the ER and thought maybe it was a bladder infection.  The doc ran some tests, and it looked like that, so i was put on antibiotics.  Then about 3 or 4 days later I started spotting and I was still having cramps, so we decided to go to the ER just to be sure.  The doc was concerned, called the OB in William's Lake and he wanted to rule out ectopic pregnancy, and i wasn't supposed to eat anything just in case I had to have surgery.  I was devastated, I was preparing myself to loose the baby.  The roads were terrible, it was so cold and just a terrible terrible feeling.  So we meet Dr. Gill, who was a cross between Jeff Bridges and Josh Brolin. (more on the Jeff Bridges side)  Anyways, he ordered some blood tests, and decided to do a ultrasound and see what we could see.  So he did, and goes well...i see the fetus there, and a heartbeat, it's lying good, and..............there's another one there too.................I didn't even notice he said it, Matt did though, and then I noticed his reaction and I said what?  He said there's two!  But he couldn't confirm a heartbeat on the second one, because the first one was blocking it.  So he wanted me to come back and get another ultrasound to confirm what was going on.  What he said was I could be loosing the second one, and that's why I was having all these symptoms.  Anyways, the very next day the hospital called and wanted us back for the ultrasound.  So we went back around 4:30, and i was fully prepared to loose one.  They did the test, not talking to me at all...it was really uncomfortable, and then finally they started logging in information on the results.  They said the first fetus, had a heartbeat of 120 and all the measurements.  Then they got really quiet. And finally started on the second fetus and said it had a heart rate of 115!  So I said the second one has a heartbeat?  She said yes...and I started a full on panic attack!!  I wasn't prepared to have the news two were in there and they were fine!!!!  Matt comes in and I am totally crying, they show us on the screen both babies and both heartbeats...it was amazing! 

After I was done, I had to sit down for a bit and I was just shaking!  I called my parents, and my Dad was home and I told him, he was so happy!  Mom called back a few minutes later and she was shocked!!!  We called Dan and Colleen next and told them the news!  They were very happy as well!! 

But me, not so much!  I was freaking out...how the hell am I going to handle twins??  We decided to let the cat out of the bag...cause I figured the more I said it, the better I would take it and get used to it. 

Everyone else was excited, but me I just kept having mini melt downs!  That mixed in between getting sick, feeling terrible, sleepy, emotional and then full on bitchy attitude! 
So then I found a baby doctor in town, and that happened to be the day where a bunch of people at different times, kept saying they knew someone who had twins and lost one for some reason...it hit me like a ton of bricks!!  I want these babies, BOTH of them!!!  I don't care how hard it's going to be, I want both of them, so of course that freaked me out and again crying fit!!  I swear, i don't know how I have it in me to cry anymore as I have shed so many tears all within the last two weeks!! 

The last Friday I get a call from the docs office and they want to see me, so I freaked out as usual!!  I called them back and said, okay I'm pregnant with twins and super emotional and I need to know if everything is okay.  (By the way this all happened at work!!  SUPER PROFESSIONAL!!)  So went there this last Tuesday and apparently I two additional infections downtown....GREAT!!  And the medication states not to be taken in the first trimester.  I got Matt to call Dr. Gill's office and they said to contact the Pharmacist they would know the latest info.  So I called the hospital Pharmacist and she wrote this huge email about the medications.  Basically the risks of the infection out way the medication risks and the only reason there is risks is because it is unethical to do testing on pregnant women.  So Wednesday I took the first medication (which is one dose) and the very next day at work, I noticed I was spotting.  By the end of the day I was full on bleeding.  I went into another world.  This was at about 4:30 as I was closing  down the office and I told my co-worker and asked her to try and find Matt and I was going to be in the ER.  I don't really remember walking down to the ER as I was bawling my eyes out.  I found a co-worker of Matt's and told her and she took me into the private room, tried to calm me down, doc came in and they decided to do a mini ultrasound but told me it's not a good ultrasound, it's not meant to check for babies, just if fluid is in a belly or something like that.  So he said he could see two in there, but couldn't confirm fetal heartbeats, so he did a internal to see if my cervix is closed.  If it isn't, that's a sign I'm miscarrying.  So my cervix was closed, but there was a lot of blood, so that's not a good sign.  He put me on bed rest for a week and here I am.  BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!
Although, no cramps, bleeding has almost stopped, which is great.  I just hate waiting around for stuff to happen!!  It makes me crazy!  And I'm supposed to be relaxing and of course all I can think about is oh is that a cramp??  Is it starting?  I have just been through so much within the last two weeks, such a emotional roller coaster.  Not to mention work stress that was going on too...I guess it's a good thing to rest for a bit. 

So that's where I am...trying to have good thoughts and hoping that my two little cupcakes are fine and happy in there and myself trying not to go stir crazy here!!!  So I'll keep you all posted to how things are going.  I see the OB on Thursday and find out how things are going and what's the plan of attack.

Michael Jackson-Man in the mirror lyrics

Okay so quick little note, as I was finishing my last post, this song came on my IPOD and it really got me.  As you all may know, I am a BIG fan of Michael Jackson and this is probably one of my favorite songs.  I get quite emotional about him, when I listen to his music and how it makes me feel.  But listening to the words as I was typing it struck me more than before...you can't make change or help anyone else if you don't change and help yourself first.  Anyways...thought I would post it. 

Ideas?

So after me writing this last blog entry, I was in a really low place. And it’s for so many reasons, mostly being unhappy with myself and how I can sometimes handle myself.


I think there just has been a lot going on in my life that doesn’t really have anything to do with me or what I want to do. Not only that I am at a huge crossroads in my life, not only with my weight and how I feel about that, but as well my husband and I have decided to try and have another kid. And I guess it’s freaking me out too, because it’s so hard on your body to have a baby, and when you aren’t in the best of health. I mean man it’s taken me 6 and a half years to decide to have another baby, what is this going to do to my body:?

Anyways, last Wednesday I went to get some help with what I am going through. It was supposed to be a 45 minute meeting but it turned into an hour and 45 minute meeting! I guess you could say I spilled a lot of information on her. But we identified my obstacles for not succeeding in weight loss and goals, and a plan of action. So I am on an eating plan, and it’s what…5 days in and it’s not easy….I would much rather go and eat a whole bag of chips! But I am making better choices within the frame of what she gave me. I am trying….but these 5 days have been LONG! LOL I am trying to look short term…losing a 5 percent weight loss, which is 14 pounds and working out 3 times a week for a hour. That’s not a lot to ask considering how many hours there are in a week. If I get lost in the long term of everything I WILL totally fail. And I do find myself feeling like ‘Jesus, do I have to eat like this forever! I can’t see myself doing that!!’ I really have to STOP THAT!

I am also trying not to be cynical…yeah I know freaking hard for ME to do! But I do think, okay why would this work now? Why should now be any different than the SOOOOO many times before! Cause there has been SO many times before! I just know that if I look down the road of giving up and accepting that this is me, weight and all and it’s never going to change and I should try and be happy and accept myself, I just feel that I can’t do that. I would be letting myself down and I don’t think I can just accept it and I also feel I would be doing myself a terrible injustice by not being healthy and in turn letting my daughter down, cause I feel like I’m on a clock, and ticking health clock and will eventually wind down.

I don’t know, I honestly don’t…maybe writing here will help, cause people will know and hopefully be supportive (hint hint! LOL) And this might force me to be truthful and stay on track….baby steps and little by little, who knows….one day at a time I guess.

So the plan now in conjunction with the eating and working out plan, is one of my big issues. And that is giving to others and volunteering a ton of time and never saying no, even when I don’t want to do something or don’t agree with what or how things are being run. So I have decided to step away from a bunch of things, involving Guiding, multiple things around PAC and just keeping things simple. Do one thing a season and focus on that and do it great. My fear about this, is that by giving up things to do, I will just replace it with nothing…nothing but watching TV or surfing the net. I need to replace it with something to tide over my idle hands! Instead of going back into sloth mode!

Ideas??

Me on myself

So where do I begin? I have really not liked who I am lately. I feel like I am negative all the time in how I speak and act and feel. And I feel like I have been giving to everyone except myself. I keep myself busy with other people’s problems and issues or help out as much as I can without ever giving myself a thought. I volunteer for pretty much anything that comes up or that I am asked and feel so much guilt for feeling like I can’t help them or want to say no, but I don’t and then feel angry that I don’t say No or that I again have put myself on the back burner. Not only do I do this with people outside of my home, but I also do it inside my home as well. When I am not helping out for things for my daughter with her school then I don’t spend time with her, and when I do get a chance to spend time with her and do activities together, there is no time for myself. Or then the house comes first, which I must say I do put on my daily list, because I do at LEAST like have some sort of tidiness to my house, if I can’t make it spot on clean. At least there is order. (sometimes) And then there is my husband, I give to him by making dinners, trying to do things so he won’t have to do them and just leave the ‘blue jobs’ to him.


Why is it that I do this? As I look at those words, I search and search myself for the answer. What I come up with is, I want to be accepted and needed and wanted. All the things that I don’t feel for myself. I am very aware that I stand out in a negative way. I am the heaviest in the room and never feel normal or apart of anything. I am the one who is different and not normal and I always want to be accepted and liked. And that goes hand in hand with being needed and wanted. If I’m needed to help out with something or someone wants to spend time with me (even my daughter) then I must be important and maybe they won’t look at me as different or heavy. But usually I feel used. But maybe they will see that I am more than that, although mostly I don’t feel that I am more than that. I feel that my insecurities and lack of self confidence define me, that my weight defines me.

Last night I was up in my bathroom, with my stereo blasting Lady Gaga, and I was singing away, quite loudly at the top of my lungs. And I have to say I think I sounded pretty good lol. And I thought back to when I was in high school and why I didn’t do things or join things that required me to stand out alone, instead of in a group. It was because I didn’t want to be all alone and put myself out there. Cause people would notice me for what I am or what I think I am. I have always envied people who can get up and dance at a club or anywhere or that matter and sing away or play an instrument for a lot of people. And I realized last night that I have purposely avoided doing things in my life that would make me stand out, but that I long to do. I have ALWAYS been afraid. My weight makes me afraid.

And now more than ever it does. The fact that a 4 year old child can shake me up by saying something about my stomach or my clothes being big, just devastates me. If that is what this child says or thinks then other people (grown up people) must think the same about me and mock me behind my back or silently think those things about me.

I hate it. I hate who I am and who I have become and I see only negative things. I need help.

You can't help anyone.......

Okay so why does there NEVER seem to be enough time in the day to do everything I need or want to do?

I am unsure as to how I get in these situations where I never leave enough time to get stuff done...or never have time to do what I want to do, which is ususally just rest!  A friend and I were reading an astrology book and some things about that my sign, which is Leo, where right on.  Something about taking on things to get praise and needing praise to feel complete or something like that.  Yeah that's me all right!  I take on so much for everyone else, kid, husband, school the list can go on and on, wanting to help and heal everyone I know without focusing on myself at ALL!  Then I get pissy and resentful that I don't have time for myself and I get overwhellmed. 

Even my house right now, it's not that dirty or messy or anything but it feels like it is cause there are little things all over the place and it's like mental clutter!  I hate that! 

Anyways, okay so I have put enough energy into negativity.  lol
I was watching my favorite show a few weeks ago (Dexter), and there was a part on it about putting on your air mask before helping your kids with their air masks when you are in a emergency on a airplane.  You can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first.  So step one......stop saying yes to everyone.  Step two.....time management which includes taking time for myself.  Hmm we'll see where that gets me. lol

Being a Mom.....can suck!

So this week has been such a hard week.  Being a Mom has not been easy this week for sure.  I never in a millon years thought that I would be so stressed out about what my kid would be doing while she was at school.  This week my daughter fell at school off a zip line and really hurt her tailbone and got a pretty good sized scrape on her side.  A friend of mine was parent helper and offered to call me, but was unfortunately unable to get a hold of me.  And the teacher didn't contact me.  It bothers me that I see my kid hobbling up to me after school and I wasn't informed what happened.  She is away from me for 6 hours a day and I want to know that if she needs help I would be informed!!

I did a lot of thinking and chatting with good friends yesterday and I feel that it isn't a bad thing that she is sensitive but it does make it harder for her.  I can't change who she is, but I can support her in any way that I can and if she needs a little more snuggle then I will give it to her.  She is only 6 years old and I think that we expect her to be more grown up but no wonder she is breaking down cause she is tired and totally stressed about being good at school all day and doing the right thing and getting her work right and not getting in trouble.  She is only 6!!!  Maybe we require her to be more because she seems so grown up but she isn't able to deal with stuff when she is totally done by the end of the day.  Not only that, she is only a kid once and I am in no hurry for her to grow up, as it seems like the time is going by way too fast.

I can't protect her forever but that time doesn't need to be now, I can only help her deal with things that come up and provide a confortable, safe spot to land and have Mom take care of her the best I can.

Meal Planning Monday!!

So today I sat down and had to plan our weekly meals, which is something I am whole heartedly trying to do EVERY week, it's the sticking to it that is actually the hardest part.

But in a effort to save money and avoid the dreaded 5:30 conversation...ah what are we having for dinner tonight hon?  I dunno, what do you think?  And I have to mention that I sooooo hate this convo!!!  We usually end up arguing or eating not very healthy foods.

So today here is the weekly meals:

Monday - Matt works nights, so anything I want.  It ended up being a hashbrown casserole (which was soooo friggen yummy) and a tuna sandwich.  Made dinner for tomorrow.
Tuesday - Chicken Pot Pie
Wednesday - Bithia's Beefy Koren Dish that I can't pronouce, but is super yummy.
Thursday - BBQ Night at the school
Friday - BBQ Ranch Chicken Homemade Pizza
Saturday - Club Sandwich
Sunday - Spagetti

I will let ya know how it turns out!!! LOL  The most that I am most worried about the Chicken Pot Pie.  I have never made it by myself before, it looks good and smells good, so I'm thinking two out of three ain't bad!

Things I am Loving and Hating!

So I thought I would, for the first time, write about makeup!  Which is something I love love love!!!  But not only the things I love but hate too.  I think I am gonna keep this up every now and again when I notice something good or bad about different products.  Anyways here it goes...

L’Oreal Paris Studio Line Indestructible For Women

Okay so I don’t use a lot of hair spray…well not since I was in junior high and I was so very cool to have the back combed hair sprayed bangs!! Anyways, so I thought I could use some for a little volume, just in case, as I have very thick hair and it tends to look weighted down, especially in the summer. So I used this stuff for the first time when I went down to Portland for the Lady Gaga concert. I decided to go a little out there with my faux hawk ponytail and I used a lot of this stuff…but honestly I probably didn’t have to use so much cause my hair did not move ALL NIGHT!!! It was awesome! Now remember I was dancing for 2 plus hours, it’s the middle of summer, hot and sweaty and the hair didn’t move an inch!! I so love this hair spray! And it doesn’t make your hair feel sticky or heavy and hard, my hair still looked good without looking like I OVERDOSED on product. So I would definitely recommend this product.  (please remember this picture of myself was taken at about 1am!! LOL)

EyeStudio Lasting Drama Gel Eyeliner by Maybelline

So again this stuff I used for the first time in Portland. My friend had some and I had been wanting to try it, so she let use it for myself and as well when I did her makeup. For applying it on someone else and as well myself I have to say I instantly loved it! It is a really great drug store product!!  I have bought one other eyeliner like this before that cost me a bit more than this product and it dried out!! I was pissed!! So when I finally bought this product I was pretty happy with not only the product itself but it also comes with a little brush! The brush itself is pretty good, although I wish it was an angle brush, but it’s okay though it works really well. One thing I have noticed though is that the liner will last longer if I set it with a black shadow, but that goes with any liner really. For the money and what you get with this product, I would definitely recommend it, especially if you don’t want to pay a fortune for a non drugstore product.

Shine Sensational Lip Gloss by Maybelline

I love this stuff!! I picked up this product a month or two ago, it’s called Peach Sorbet. Not only is it super fragrant, but it isn’t sticky at all!!! It moisturizes really well and is shiny without looking “not age appropriate”. The color isn’t very strong, which is fine for me but then again I got one that doesn’t have a huge color to it. I also love to put it on top of any lip color and it just adds that little pop.

Pure Luxe Cosmetics

I bought a bunch of their eye shadows a while back now. How I came upon them was one of the makeup videos I watched on youtube mentioned them, so I thought I would try them out. So if you get one of their shadows in the sample size which is 1/8 a tsp in a jar and they were only a $1.00. I know that doesn’t sound like much but honestly these shadows are highly pigmented and you really don’t need a lot of product on your brush. And as well shipping was only $6.00 and I must have got about 20 shadows. If you go to their website you will find that they have shade under the sun. I have been toying with the idea of getting more, but I should probably either use what I have or get a larger makeup case!! Anyways, you should try them, they are really good!!!

The POREfessional by Benefit

So I got this stuff in a sample from a Benefit counter. The purpose of this product is it is supposed to minimize the appearance of your pores (hence the clever name) and create a super smooth skin. So yes it does give you a super smooth skin but about the minimizing the pores…well I don’t notice much of a difference. (Maybe my pores are too big LOL, it’s possible) But actually, I don’t really care for how it makes my skin feel. I have used the Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer and it is supposed to do the same thing as well as increase the longevity of your foundation. And I find it doesn’t make my skin feel funny, just nice a smooth. And when you add the foundation (which just to mention I did use on top of the Benefit product) your pores disappear! Anyways in a nutshell I am glad I didn’t pay $28.00 for this little tube, because I would have been pretty disappointed.

Clear Moisture Shampoo and Conditioner by Redken

So I am very disappointed with this product, mostly because I bought a huge bottle of the shampoo and conditioner. But I thought I would try something new and since I loved the All Soft shampoo and conditioner of course I thought this one would be the same, not so. So the product states it’s for:

Lightweight Moisture for Normal/dry hair

Infuse normal to dry hair with weightless moisture. Redken's exclusive Interbond Conditioning System, combined with a unique, ultra-light Micro-Moisture Complex, helps restore, rebalance and retain the optimum level without over moisturizing. Hair is replenished, light and shiny

Yeah it didn’t do that for me. For me it dries my hair out and I tend of have lots of knots. With the All Soft product it was always awesome! But now I am suck with these two huge bottles!!! LOL trying very hard to pawn it off on my hubby and kid so I can justify buying two new huge bottles of the All Soft again! So for me, it didn’t work, but it might on a different hair type, just not mine.

Sorry I've haven't been posting

Okay my dear blog....I have to apologize that I haven't written anything in a while.  I have been crazy busy planning and organizing my mother-in-law's surprise birthday party!!  So I haven't had time or energy to do so.

On another note, now that it is over, it turned out great!!!  I loved spending time with my Brother and Sister in law's and my nephew and niece!! 

Now Emma is starting school tomorrow!  I am totally nervous for her!  I can't believe that summer is over! damn it!!!

Decisions and time........

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. – Gandalf

Okay so yeah I’m geeking out right now with a Lord of the Rings quote…but I love this quote.

Deciding on what to do with the time we have. Although none of us really know how much time it is we have, but making a decision on what to do with that time is easier said than done.

I have been none stop thinking on what to do with my time…my life. And I don’t think I have ever struggled so much before with these thoughts. But when it comes down to it why I am having a hard time is because of all the separate outcomes of different decisions. The fear of the unknown, of wasting time, of things not working out. I hate that I can’t figure out what I really want. Or maybe it’s because I want it all. I am someone who likes to have insurance that everything will be okay or work out. Also there is a slight anger and resentment that I haven’t done things sooner or that I have always done what is safe for me…least amount of risk….but not loving what I do.

Do I have another child and stay at home still, do I go back to school, if I go back to school should I look at taking something in business, computers, working towards running my own business, study to be a baker (which by the way – there is NO wedding cake provider in town! Hmmm untapped market), or do I stick with what I know, office worker and look at getting a permanent position at the hospital.

Decisions, decisions…

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. - David Russell

Road to Un-perfection!

#1. Realize that Perfect Doesn’t Work


Why Perfect doesn’t work?

Perfect isn’t real. TV shows are fake!! Reality shows are fake!! And as much as movies and celebrities make it seem that life is perfect, but ours are horrible, it’s not true.

It’s so easy to expect “prefect” from people and life. We didn’t get the perfect answer from our boyfriend or mom. We didn’t get the “perfect body” after taking the “magic pill” that some celebrity said it their “trick” to staying thin. We didn’t have a pack of “the bachelors”, chasing us after we sprayed the new “attraction” perfume on. We didn’t get picked to win the contest that we wanted to win so bad.

Learn to laugh when things go un-perfectly.

#2. Stop Being a Prisoner to Perfection

My name is Nicki Jackson, and I used to strive to be a perfectionist.

Yes, I was paralyzed by decision making. “What if I don’t make the perfect choice!”….”I just won’t type a blog, because what if type a dumb one.” “I need to take on a whole hellva lot and do it the best so it goes perfect and everyone will think I’m perfect! But what really happens is that I tend of fail on some level.”

Or people would say, ”what do you feel like eating?”, and I would default to them, “oh whatever sounds good”, YAY! Then I didn’t have to deal with the stress of picking something out. If it was gross, it wasn’t my fault! ha ha ha

I’ve since learned:

*prepare for mistakes and imperfection the sooner you do the happier you’ll be.

*If you know stuff is gonna go wrong, things aren’t gonna play out like a dream or a movie all the time, the more peaceful you'll be when they do go a little of plan!

*Prepare yourself, and just roll with the changes. It’s better to be the willow that bends in the wind, than the stiff tree that snaps and breaks in the breeze! Don’t break, just bend!

#3. IMPERFECT IS HOW WE BECOME GREAT

Pearls are made from some dirt (garbage) that’s gotten trapped in an oyster. As it’s trying to deal with this “problem”, it gets turned into a beautiful pearl. Same thing with diamonds, from all the incredible pressure, the carbon get “uncomfortably” turned into something so valuable and sparkling, that people pay huge amounts to gaze as these and delight in the beauty of their twinkle.

My life has been events that have caused my mirror to shatter, but as I’ve try to pick up the broken pieces of my life, all those little shattered parts give off more sparkle, shine and light than before when it was more “perfect”!

If you feel that your life, your choices, the people are you, your home, your job, anything is far from perfect. Say YAY! I’m in great company. The most incredible people have come out of things that were far from perfect.

So you didn’t have the dream start to things: your first day of school, making your dreams happen, , you can’t seem to get your life going how you want. It’s ok. I’ve been in more imperfect situations, relationships (i could go on)...but in all those moments, I try and try and try again to say to myself “this is going to make me better, stronger, and more able to endure the challenges that greatness requires.

#4. YOU’RE NOT IN A DARK CAVE OF HOPELESSNESS, BUT A TUNNEL WITH A BRIGHT ENDING.

“DARK MOMENTS ARE SHORT HALLWAYS, LEADING TO SUNLIT ROOMS!”

Sometimes it feels like we’re in a dark cave, with no signs of hope, or an exit, but life is not a cave, but a tunnel. And at any moment, that tunnel can take a quick turn, where you can’t see the light yet, but as soon as you keep going, you see the rays of light and hope showing you the way to go. (I read something like that somewhere once LOL)


REMEMBER:

CHOOSE TO LOVE- rather than hate

CHOOSE TO SMILE - rather than frown

CHOOSE TO BUILD- rather than to tear down

CHOOSE TO PERSEVERE -rather than give up

CHOOSE TO PRAISE - rather than gossip

CHOOSE TO HEAL - rather than wound

CHOOSE TO GIVE - rather than than get

CHOOSE TO ACT - rather than delay

“I want you to let go of all your insecurities. I want you to reject anyone or anything that ever made you feel like you didn’t belong or didn’t fit in or you won’t somehow ever be great. I want you to say no to all those things tonight.


People used to tell me I wasn’t thin enough, not pretty enough, you can’t sing well enough, dance well enough, you can’t write songs well enough, you’re too weird, you dress funny. And I used to say “I’m a superstar and I was fucking born that way!”

You’re 20,000 superstars and just looking up at some bitch on the stage that maybe you’ll be one day, just like I was. So when you leave tonight don’t leave loving me more, leave loving yourself more.” --- Lady Gaga

Coast Driving....Cheating Death!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so while I am visiting the coast I am probably only gonna write a few blogs...only if I have the time.  When I am deciding on what to write, during the day I am just randomly thinking of things and something will stick in my mind that I think 'ohh i should write about that'  Well while I am down there I have thought of a bunch of things...one of which I am gonna write about today.

Okay soooooooooooo....I am not sure if I have just gotten used to living in a small town where the longest traffic jam is usually about 1 minute.  There just isn't that many impatient drivers in a small town cause there doesn't need to be.  That does not mean there are any BAD drivers, cause there is for sure!  But it just isn't as prevalent.  But I used to think I was just more patient now, cause I know I will get there soon enough.  But inevitably when I come down to the coast I end up getting huge road rage....usually in response to shitty drivers or other impatient drivers!! 

For example...yesterday on the freeway around Abbotsford I was driving along doing 110...and I had a tail-gater.  Now I couldn't go any faster if I wanted to because there was someone in front of me...and we were all doing 10 over the speed limit.  So this guy is weaving behind me and riding my ass then decides to go around only to pull in front of me!!!!  Honestly did you get anywhere faster??  Did that give you any satisfaction?? Did you just really need to see past my big truck...cause your little import car didn't help you with that?  I mean really?  If I had to slam on my breaks while he was behind me...I probably wouldn't of have any damage to the truck, but his little pettily car would of be toast!  So what ends up happening after all this....I get angry with him and then I drive more aggressively.  ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!  It still makes me mad!  lol

Or people who butt in without any courtesy.  For example....you are heading into a construction zone, going down from two lanes to one...and you get the guy who has to stretch it out still he can't go any further, while the rest of us are waiting nicely.  And he forces he way in like that little space belongs to him...and then NOT EVEN A THANK YOU WAVE!!!   JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Yield Signs...........by definition : In road transport, a YIELD (Canada, Ireland, and the United States) or GIVE WAY traffic sign indicates that a vehicle driver must prepare to stop if necessary to let a driver on another approach proceed (but has no need to stop if his way is clear).  Okay so apparently here yield sign means: I know there is a chance I might be hit by someone coming...but there's room for me to squeeze in so lets risk it and go anyways...no need to stop...road big enough!  Well at least I know my heart and my adrenal glands are in good working order and brakes on the truck too!!!  Just because the road is big enough please do not merge...especially when someone is coming off the freeway and in the process of slowing down, while you are chugging along at 20 km

Why do we need to get where we are going so fast....what is the big urgency?  Cause the consequences totally out weight the rush to get anywhere.  I mean really....are you in a rush to get into a massive accident, or hurt someone else cause you aren't paying attention?  Are you in a hurry for your own death? 

So when it comes down to it, when I feel like this while I am down here, I realize that we made a good choice for ourselves by moving away from the lower mainland.  I have realized that I have a personality that doesn't deal well with pressure and stress....and when I come down here...I feel claustrophobic and stressed out all the time!  I can't handle living in a place that makes me feel rushed and stressed out.  So for me...it reminds me that I am where I am supposed to be in life and that is a good feeling.

My Fur Babies

So I haven't written for a few days because I am getting ready for a trip down to the coast and planning an event so I am super busy.

So I am at a loss for something to write about so as I sit here with Bella staring at me, I thought okay...hmmm...I'll share about my other babies...Bosco and Bella.

When we first got Bosco...oh I should say Envercreek's Boscorelli, Emma was 18 months old.  I don't know what we were thinking lol...I wanted to give Bosco back pretty quickly as I have never had a dog before.  And he was a handful!  But I am so glad that I didn't...he has turned into a amazing dog!!!  Now he's 5 years old and there's nothing more than I love than to cuddle up to his soft fur.  Although he's a bit of a licker lol he has the sweetest disposition.  There also is this thing he does when I strach his back back...he talks...lol...this low growl sound and he only does it after I say "who loves his momma?' LOL 

And then Bella came along...Envercreek's Emma's Myabella.  She was supposed to be Emma's dog  but in reality she is so my dog. I just adore Bella.  I am so glad we added her to our family.  She has such a mom personality.  Super sweet and caring and always wanting to hug and cuddle.  And when Emma is doing something that might be dangerous, Bella isn't far away...watching her.  Every night since she was a little puppy she has slept at my feet...and she puts her head on my foot or leg and i bury my other foot in her fur and we fall asleep.  lol  Even right now as she is lying on the other couch she is staring at me saying a lot with her eyes.  Like 'Mom, where is Bosco?' (he's outside by the way) She is just the sweetest dog ever! 

My Girls!!

There is something that has been on my mind all day. 

So today after Emma's library group, we had a play date at our house with Pam's kids and Bithia's kids and among our talking about everything and anything we were talking about appreciation.

So I want to take this moment to say a few things about the special girl friends in my life.

Tannis, Bithia, Pam, and Lynn.  I APPRECIATE YOU ALL!  And all in different but sometimes the same ways.

I think we as women don't get appreciated as much as we should for the things we do or sometimes put up with from families, kids, hubby's, and society.  And it made me realize that since we all don't get that acknowledgement and appreciation that I am gonna give a shot out to all my favorite ladies!

Tannis - What can I say.  Honestly!  She is my oldest (not in age lol), friend.  I met her when I was 15 years old and she is the only one I have kept in close contact from high school.  She knows me better than anyone else in the world and has been there for all my best and worst moments, and she never lets me down when I need her.  She listens to me ramble and bitch about the same shit over and over again and I so love her for it! lol  We are always thinking the same thing without even saying anything anything to each other.  We have been though a lot together and I wouldn't want anyone else along for the ride with me.  I so appreciate having her in my life, I know I wouldn't be her without her!  She is my sister and i love her to death.

Bithia - When I first met Bithia, I was so intimidated! lol which makes me laugh now that I know her pretty well.  But at the time, I saw this gorgeous, fashionable Mom and I thought oh well she must be stuck up.  I mean talk about making generalizations about people, cause she is so not like that!!!  She is one of the most down to earth, funny, caring and greatest person I have ever met.  My friendship with her has come so easy that I has shocked me cause I find that I am not always someone who makes close friends easy.  I really appreciate her friendship cause I feel that I can be comfortable and real with her and I admire her as well for how she is with her kids, family and friends.  And well...the fact that we can geek out over our love of office supplies!!! lol!!! 

Pam - I met Pam the same way I met with Bithia.  They were good friends before I came along.  But with Pam I saw this (again) gorgeous, outdoorsy, fit, adventurous Mom who does a whole hellva lot and makes it look easy and is super friendly to boot.  I didn't think that we had anything in common at all!  But that's so not the case.  There was this moment a few months back where we were at a meeting for French Immersion and coming out of the meeting she asked me...'hey are you okay?  I just feel that something is up or you are sad or something.'  And that made me realize I have felt like I have known her for years.  We are both only children and share some of the same similarities on how we deal with things.  I really appreciate that we can talk about problems and understand each other without a lot of explanation.  And as well...when someone says something like 'balls, hard, or package' and we giggle like little girls!  Oh and as well Bithia is right in there too...we can all hang out and talk serious but also be totally crude! lol

Lynn - I met Lynn through Girl Guides and she is the first real friend I made when I moved up here.  And it was fate that we met! The house she moved into was one that we were considering buying but we let it go...and they bought it!  We didn't make friends right away we just sort of acknowledged each other at the meetings a bit and it wasn't until we were forced together (lol) in guides that we got together and talked and we realized that we were a hellva lot alike!  I soooooo appreciate her openness and how we can totally talk honestly with each other and she is super supportive (and I her) of things we both have gone through in marriage and being a Mom.  I love that we can hang out and talk about anything and then time passes way to frigging quickly!  lol 

And for the ladies that I didn't get time to mention...Christie (sister in law), Paula, Emmy-Lou,...oh my goodness the list could go on.  All different friendships, and all in different stages of knowing one another, but with one commonality, I appreicate my friendship with you all, deeply! 

Ladies, I love you all so very much, you are all gorgeous beautiful strong women.  And I am so grateful to know each of you and I hope that never changes no matter where each of us are in the world or our lives.

Foodie Firsts!!

Well today I had a first.  I ate Chicken Pot Pie!  I know that must sound weird, but it's true!  I never used to be big on trying new foods, but when Emma's picky eating habits I have forced myself to show her that it isn't hard to try new foods.  And guess what!?  The words I have spouting to Emma about 'try it you might like it'  'it can't hurt you' 'there's nothing to be afraid of' are totally right!  I loved the chicken pot pie...I thought I was never much for cooked veggies but veggies cooked in butter is a GOOD THING!  lol 

So you are probably wondering how I tried Chicken Pot Pie...well I was at the Community Kitchen today, helping my good friend Bithia out.  Community Kitchen is where people from the community get together and make food together, eat lunch together and tidy up and then sometimes take home the left overs.  Emma loves it not for the food, but so she can play with friends, as the child minding is free!  I love it cause not only do I get to hang out with great girly friends (Pam and Bithia) but meet other people in the community and do one of my favorite things...cook together and chat while cooking.  This is how I am becoming a foodie and trying new foods!  The last thing we had was Mulligatawny Soup.  The name Mulligatawny comes from 2 oriental Indian words meaning 'pepper water' and curry is the particular ingredient that gives this incredible soup such a delicious flavor...so I'm told.   Anyways it was so very yummy!!! 

Also another food first for me is Eggs Benny!  OH MY FRIGGEN GOD!  I loved it!!!!!!!!  When you slather anything is a yummy sauce anything tastes good!!!  Oh and frying things is butter...AWESOME! lol

Going to community kitchen and trying new foods sparks my interest in making new foods and of course my favorite thing to do...BAKE!  It really makes me realize that I love baking so much!  It also ignites my passion of wanting to own my own bakery someday!  I wish I could do that...I am just so afraid to take the step!  How do you run and own your own bakery when you haven't taken one baking class or business class?  What should I do...??? Argh...